Depersonalization/Derealization

'AS IF...'

Depersonalization and derealization are dissociative experiences frequently associated with intense and prolonged states of anxiety and stress, emerging as an adaptive response of the organism to such conditions.


In depersonalization, the person experiences a sense of distancing from themselves, as if disconnected from their own body, emotions, or thoughts.


Derealization, in turn, refers to an alteration in the experience of the world, which comes to be perceived as strange, artificial, lifeless, or “unreal,” even though the person knows, at a cognitive level, that nothing has in fact changed.


In both cases, these are not delusions nor a loss of contact with reality, but rather a profound modification in the quality of lived experience.


My Experience

I experienced continuous symptoms of depersonalization and derealization for five years (from 2004 to 2009), as a consequence of a period of extremely intense anxiety.


At the time, I was almost obsessively engaged in observing how emotions manifested in my body. My goal was to understand how they emerged and then try to regulate them through bodily means.


I came to understand that it was primarily the physical manifestations of emotions that disturbed me, and I even supposed that, if the bodily symptoms did not arise, perhaps the emotion itself would not arise either.


Only much later did I come into contact with the literature on theories of emotion, such as William James’s, and subsequently with other theoretical approaches to which I eventually devoted my studies.


However, since I was already in a heightened state of anxiety, this constant observation ended up further dysregulating my emotional system.


At a certain point, I grew tired of this continuous monitoring and decided simply to “put myself on autopilot.” Somehow, it was from this decision onward that depersonalization and derealization set in.


I remember that, in the first week, I described these sensations in an online discussion group about meditation and Eastern philosophies in which I participated. 


I wrote that it was as if I thought without thinking, felt without feeling, acted without being fully present. Someone replied humorously: “I think your brain has given up on you, it’s leaving…”


In an attempt to explain what I was experiencing, I resorted to various analogies and metaphors. I said that it was 'as if' I were made of plastic; 'as if' my skin were an impermeable fabric; 'as if' I were cognitively and perceptually blunted, with emotions muffled.


I also described the experience 'as if' I were off-axis, 'as if' I were not properly fitted into my own body, slightly displaced from its center.


One comparison that struck me as especially precise was the strangeness I have always felt when watching videos in which the voice is slightly out of sync with the image of the person speaking.


I tried to show this type of video to other people to see whether, upon noticing the strangeness, they might grasp a little of how I perceived myself and the world.


I also said that it was 'as if' the world were a dream—not in the sense of believing it was literally a dream, but in the sense that it seemed different from before: more faded, less alive.


I spoke of something 'as if' there were a “glass” between me and the world, producing a sense of distance. Or even of a kind of gap between myself and the world. Things remained objectively the same, but the feeling was different.


At the time, I read an article mentioning that depersonalization can arise as a symptom of depression and anxiety, but that in some cases it can consolidate into a disorder in its own right. The text also pointed out that people who experience this state frequently resort to expressions such as 'as if…' to describe it phenomenologically, given the difficulty of directly naming the experience.


Initially, I associated these sensations with previous experiences, such as those I had felt when I had sinusitis. I even thought they might be related to my glasses and that I needed to change them (which I actually did, but it did not help), or even to some kind of vestibular disorder—perhaps a non-rotational dizziness.


In fact, just yesterday I came across a systematic review that had been published on the relationship between the vestibular system and depersonalization/derealization.(Cento at al. 2026)


Around the same time, I discovered the film Numb (Goldberg, 2007), with Matthew Perry (Chandler Bing from Friends), in which the main character develops depersonalization after an episode of heavy marijuana use. Although the context and triggering factor were different, several of the descriptions in the film resonated strongly with what I was experiencing.


I also participated in discussion groups on the topic, and the descriptions were very similar.


I also said that this condition had disrupted my cognitive capacity. It was as if the “turnstiles” of my mind were jammed; as if I lacked a center from which thoughts emerge; 'as if' what was missing was the “glue” that binds together the various cognitive, affective, and perceptual aspects, allowing the formation of a more stable whole.


In fact, it was this—more than the anxiety itself—that led me to seek medical help. I began to feel very stupid, with blunted cognition, and I knew that without mental clarity I would not be able to get out of that state on my own. After the Depersonalization/Derealization subsided, a symptom of brain fog still remained (but that is another story).


I have always been afraid to return to the memories of these sensations, fearing that they might reappear. However, since a considerable amount of time has passed, I decided to revisit them.


What occurred to me is that perhaps this sensation of displacement from my center is related to the way I perceive the displacement of attention, especially with regard to the idea of two axes. 


Thus, depersonalization and derealization may be related to leaving a central axis of the body—a subtle displacement that I myself entered without realizing it and from which I could not exit for years.


In this sense, this experience may be articulated with what I have called a subtle internal posture and with what I described regarding the two axes along which attention can move (see) — bearing in mind that I am not claiming that these axes exist objectively, but that I am referring to an experience.


Along the path of attention through the external axis, I perceive a drastic reduction in emotional reactivity, both for negative and positive emotions. However, this reduction is distinct from that experienced in depersonalization and derealization, since there is no sensation of disconnection nor of cognitive or perceptual blunting.


I also remember that there was something I used to do that seemed to alleviate, albeit temporarily, the sensation of depersonalization/derealization. I would lie on my side, with my arm resting against my torso, approximately slightly below the level of my last rib. In this position, a sensation of increased oxygenation emerged, along with a feeling of freshness and a kind of inner completeness.


At the time, I interpreted this sensation as possibly related to the warming of that region of the body due to the contact of the arm against it, thereby producing an experience of greater safety and comfort, which seemed to contribute to this momentary improvement in symptoms.


After I began to notice the nasal sensations related to attention, I came to realize that this experience is very similar, if not identical, to what occurs when I direct my attention to the lateral side of the body, sometimes aided by a subtle touch of a finger in that area. In those moments, the air is felt as entering more intensely through the nostril corresponding to the side on which attention is resting.


References

Cento, S., Gammeri, R., Zavattaro, C., Cirillo, E., Serra, H., & Ricci, R. (2026). The role of the vestibular system in depersonalization and derealization: Evidence from a systematic review. Journal of vestibular research : equilibrium & orientation, 9574271251412707. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/09574271251412707

Goldberg, H. (Director & Writer). (2007). Numb [Film]. Stratosphere Entertainment.


Check out these posts to understand the phenomenological approach used in providing these descriptions of experience: 1) What is Phenomenology; 2) Naturalization of Phenomenology; 3) Micro-Phenomenology; 4) Intersubjective Validation; 5) Embodied Cognition; 6) 4E

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